Prince Charming

Ahhhh... Men. They think they don't understand us, yet they don't realize we are JUST as confused about them!

...But I suppose when you're in a relationship, you find security in knowing that someone understands enough about you that he/she is willing to be confused by you, and only you. This is why (emotional) communication is SO important. It nips that confusion right in the butt (yes, butt, not bud). It gets exponentially more confusing when you're just dating. When you're dating it's hard to trust the other person with the strange inner workings of your mind, however, that isn't that what dating is? Putting yourself out there and hoping the outcome is positive.

Ah... If only I could take my own advice. A couple times I've had a positive outcome, hell, I even fell in love once, and lived to love again! Yet with age, and small town living... I fear I've become jaded. My pessimism and walls save me from carrying on any emotional attachment. It doesn't mean I'm completely cold hearted. I feel things but I'm hesitant to voice them because I'm aware of the fragility of dating. I feel comfort in security, knowing where I, and the other person stand. Dating isn't secure so obviously it leaves me feeling insecure.

*******Subject Change*******

I'm friends with my exes, the ones that are actually good people (sometimes that makes prospects feel a little insecure. Pfft! Get over it. I'm more loyal than a golden retriever). The only drawback of being freshly transitioned from significant other to just friends is this: Reminders or conversations about what went wrong or romantic nostalgia. For example, and what originally gave me the spark to start this rant; my ex wished me Happy Easter by starting with, "I'm not sure you celebrate but..." Being agnostic to my Christian ex always made me feel like I was some sort of alien in his mind. This text made me feel no different. Watch out! I'm green, bug eyed, my nogin is ten times bigger than my punie body, and I'm here to rid you of your christian beliefs so you can come to the dark, agnostic side. No! I was always understanding of him and I know he tried his best to be understanding of mine but, I still felt alien-like.

The holiday apparently sparked the memory in his head of what went wrong and I got the text to remind me too. Oh joy! He reminded me that the not going to church and being "faithless" was essentially a deal breaker but other than that, I have great qualities. Then he ended with, "You're a great person." I haven't responded. I don't want to go down this nostalgic road. I am perfectly aware of what our differences, were and what went wrong (he became emotionally unavailable. Surprise, surprise. That's my M O apparently).

In his defense, he was always really good about being honest and talking out feelings with me. We both appreciated that about the other and that is probably why our breakup was so easy...and so hard. So, I'm not mad at him for telling me what he thinks because I know he trusts me. My only quarrel is that on EASTER my religious views are being slapped in my face and made to sound as if it was the ONLY reason we broke up. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be with him again, it's just not a great feeling to be reminded you weren't good enough for someone.

Lastly, a small thought popped into my head, "Did he mean that as a twisted compliment? That he expects all agnostic people to be bad people with terrible qualities?" I stopped myself. I have now thought WAY too much about this. He's a great guy but now, more than ever, I am glad that we are JUST friends.

*whew*

"...I Kicked A Fuck Ton Of Puppies!"

Dear Body,

We once got long SO well, what the hell happened this year?!?

I've never seen multiple doctors so many times in the span of 2.5 months. Ever!

My poor housemates/roommates have been so great to me through it all but, even they think it's crazy the amount of shit going wrong with me. My roommate even asked me, "what did you do in a past life to have all this happen to you?" I asked my other housemate that question through the wall and she responded in a cute voice, "You kicked puppies!" Now, let's make this clear, I have NEVER literally or physically kicked a puppy or dog... Or ANY animal for that matter. Kicking puppies is one of the worst things ever, hence; my housemates response.

This may sound looney but I have been trying to build good karma for myself lately. For example, saving a snail from imminent death and returning a lost kitten to it's owner. Even with all these good things, karma is still taking a shit on me. My allergies are killing me, I got a cold sore (probably from all the stress) and I slipped up the other day and had something that had soy in it. By the way, Body, I'm really sorry about that. I know you hate soy. Anyways, with all of this combined, I texted my housemate and said, "Admit it, I kicked a fuck ton on puppies in my past life! Worst. Luck. Ever." She didn't admit it. She's too kind for that.

I'm trying to be an optimist and get some good juju. Heck! I am even taking vitamins. Aren't vitamins meant to help and make my body happy?! Why aren't you happy Body?! We need to have a "come to Jesus talk" and work this out before I really lose it.

Concerned,
Lo

Undomestic Goddess

* I don't like cooking every day and I'm only really good at making one thing, salmon.

*If I don't have a washer and dryer in my house, my laundry piles up.

*Grocery stores give me anxiety when I am looking for specific things.
Example: self rising flour.
I am ok with grocery stores when it's bathroom or kitchen supplies but, with all the different kinds of foods, it can stress me the frick out!

*I am a fan of organized mess and I don't really get too pissy if my house is a little messy (it looks lived in!)

*If I could never do another dish for the rest of my life, I'd be the happiest girl alive.

Okay, so not all of these things are things that most domestic goddess enjoy doing either but the point is, she'd wake up in the morning and do it. I, on the other hand, would choose to sleep rather than do it. Don't get me wrong, I'd do it...when it got to a certain point.

50's house wives are rolling over in their graves right now. Speaking of house wives, when I'm in a relationship, I am SO much better about all this. I am less lazy. For instance, I will cook more. Sure, it won't a 4 course meal and I can't guarantee it will taste good but, I would enjoy doing it for that person. Also, when I lived with my ex, I'd do his laundry for him. Wait. Honestly, it was more like I would take out his clothes and put them in the dryer for him while he was at work. Anyways!! My apologies to the 50's homemakers. They are in the major leagues and I'm still in novice. I tip my hat to the women that have the domestic drive that I lack.

Thinking about all this makes me wonder if I am just setting myself up for failure in my future? That is unless the stars align and I find a man that likes to cook and go shopping. Would it be too much to hope to find someone that can tolerate and find humor in my inability to do domestic things. Am I reaching for the moon?

Thank goodness I live in the 21st century!

Mt. Shredded Miniwheat.

My best friend Sarah. I talk about her constantly so, what is there to be said about her that I haven't already said? The answer is: SO MUCH. There are infinite synonyms I could use to say how much I love that girl but don't worry, I won't now. Instead, i will shine a dim, pretty, light on why we are so connected.

A life for a life:
We saved each others lives. My life may have been saved on a bathroom floor, but I'd like to think it really happened when she gave me inspiration to really live; to be the best me. Her life may have been saved over a bottle of ginger ale I brought her, however, I'd like to think it was from my constant prodding to know her, in darkness and light. The truth is we save each others lives everyday. We do this because we share a twisted, morbid and selfish fear; being without the other.

One look at Sarah's boots and piercing stare, you'd think she was anything but fragile. The beauty in knowing someone really well is that you see things that only few get to. For instance, I've always looked at her and seen a fragility, a fragility that I feel the need to protect. My friend has been through enough and she deserves all the good in the world. If anyone or anything threatens that, I will be there to take it for her or deflect it. I wouldn't want it any other way. It makes me so proud to say that she has gained such a healthy voice for herself that I, now, don't feel that she needs my protection. I couldnt be happier to relinquish It too, However, if a tear is ever shed behind that stare, I will do what any best friend would do: protect her with hugs and love... And a verbal beat down to whomever is responsible for making her feel bad.

Sarah once had a dream that she was climbing through a mini wheat. We talked about the dream then came to the conclusion that we'd have to be in separate bowls. She drinks soy and I can only drink 2% milk. It's funny how the imaginary idea of being separated bothered us. Sarah said to me, I will swim in your bowl with you.
A true friend will swim with you in your bowl of 2% milk Miniwheats because her bowl will have soy milk, and soy will kill you. This dream sums up our friendship. It's the little sacrifices we make, only to us it isn't a sacrifice, that truly bond us together. To us it's simply caring, and loving someone more than you love yourself.

11-11-11!!!

CRANK IT TO 11!!

Eleven is my favorite number so, I decided earlier this year that on 11.11.11 I would get a tattoo of... yes, you guessed it, eleven! I got the roman numeral of 11 tattooed on my foot. My friend Louie did it and it hurt more than any of my other tattoos. Chris, a friend I met through Louie, had gotten the This Is Spinal Tap amp nob going to 11 tattooed on him earlier that day. It was pretty amazing. We watched This Is Spinal Tap in the shop and I brought donuts. It was such a great 11-11-11. :)

...And boom goes the dynamite.

A Little Less Ugly, Please.

Project = Fun City!

Ugly Coffee Table Before (sanded):

Coffee Table (Not So Ugly) After:

The Living Room 

(with snow flake decals I put in the window)

I'm aware I should've gotten a primer to put under the Daredevil Orange, however,

I am not made of money people so, this will have to suffice. 

Improv and The Bitty Game.

Last night I tried improv for the first time... with a little help from some liquid courage.

I wasn't on a stage or in a theatre with an audience but, I was in a living room with a bunch of people that I now call my friends. They all work and/or perform at the SLO Little Theatre. My three other housemates perform/tech/manage at the theatre and I have slowly been invited into their circle of fun friends. My roommate came home the other night, after the Halloween party I went to with my housemates, and she told me, "They are having improv tomorrow night and everyone wanted me to tell you that you should come. They said they think you're quick and they'd love to have you." I thought that was super sweet and I was flattered! I had to at least show up and give it a try. I was curious to see what it would be like.

When I arrived I quickly guzzled down a few Newcastle's and waited for everyone to show up. During the improv they all made me feel so comfortable and even though I struggled at times to think quicker, they were so patient and kind to me. The only thing I noticed immediately was that I was far more vulgar than the rest. I held back a little bit and I am glad because it made me think of other ideas, and  helped me really tap into a part of my brain I hadn't ever really explored.... you know, that creative side.

When pizza arrived at the end we all sat down, exhausted and pleased. We talked more about the different kinds of improv there is and that what we did was basically just warm ups. I was pleased and a little embarrassed at all the positive feed back everyone gave me on my performance. They said I wasn't scared to get in there and be involved. I thought that was a weird compliment because that's what you're supposed to do, right?! Thhen I remembered this other lady who came and she never once jumped in willingly, she only participated when we had warm ups and games. Then they told me I need to get over my fear of an audience and I should keep coming back. I warned them that when I speak in front of an audience I sound like I am about to cry. Who knows though, maybe they can break this wild horse? Ha!

Before I left we played this game called "The Bitty Game". There is this absolutely sweet, young actress that goes by the nick name Bitty. She is cute, small, and young. She has this innocence about her too. I really like her because she knows who she is and doesn't let outside forces break her. I respect that. Anyways, the Bitty Game: Bitty will ask someone a question and they have to respond honestly. Bitty has this amazing insight and can come up with the most epic, deep questions. People are allowed to ask follow up questions too.

My Bitty Question: If we were to take your cell phone away from you right now, would you have to delete stuff before we could see it? (I had been texting someone)
My Response: Oh! I'm sorry I was texting but, YES. The only reason is because the thing I try to keep to myself is my dating life. I don't feel that is really anyone else's business unless I want it to be.
Follow Up Question: If you were about to die, would you be scared of what your family and friends would find if they went through your stuff/room?
Me: No. I don't think any of the people that truly knew me would really be surprised. I am an open book. I think there would be a few times where my friends would probably see something and say, "Oh Lo...She would..." and probably laugh and roll their eyes but, that isn't anything they don't do already to my face. I try to keep who I am honest. I am not much different behind closed doors. My friends are all different and I feel they respect me for who I am and I respect them for who they are. I may not be perfect; hell, I cuss like a sailor, But I am who I am and I worked really hard to like myself. I used to hate my life and hate who I was. Now I am happy and now people just need to take me for who I am. The relationships I have in my life are all based off respect and respecting our differences; those are the people that will NOT be surprised at what they find in my room.

At the end of my long rant I looked at everyone, they all smiled and nodded their head in agreement.

One guy even said, "If this were Facebook I would thumbs up your answer."

 I just smiled and said, "Thank you."