Ahhhh... Men. They think they don't understand us, yet they don't realize we are JUST as confused about them!
...But I suppose when you're in a relationship, you find security in knowing that someone understands enough about you that he/she is willing to be confused by you, and only you. This is why (emotional) communication is SO important. It nips that confusion right in the butt (yes, butt, not bud). It gets exponentially more confusing when you're just dating. When you're dating it's hard to trust the other person with the strange inner workings of your mind, however, that isn't that what dating is? Putting yourself out there and hoping the outcome is positive.
Ah... If only I could take my own advice. A couple times I've had a positive outcome, hell, I even fell in love once, and lived to love again! Yet with age, and small town living... I fear I've become jaded. My pessimism and walls save me from carrying on any emotional attachment. It doesn't mean I'm completely cold hearted. I feel things but I'm hesitant to voice them because I'm aware of the fragility of dating. I feel comfort in security, knowing where I, and the other person stand. Dating isn't secure so obviously it leaves me feeling insecure.
*******Subject Change*******
I'm friends with my exes, the ones that are actually good people (sometimes that makes prospects feel a little insecure. Pfft! Get over it. I'm more loyal than a golden retriever). The only drawback of being freshly transitioned from significant other to just friends is this: Reminders or conversations about what went wrong or romantic nostalgia. For example, and what originally gave me the spark to start this rant; my ex wished me Happy Easter by starting with, "I'm not sure you celebrate but..." Being agnostic to my Christian ex always made me feel like I was some sort of alien in his mind. This text made me feel no different. Watch out! I'm green, bug eyed, my nogin is ten times bigger than my punie body, and I'm here to rid you of your christian beliefs so you can come to the dark, agnostic side. No! I was always understanding of him and I know he tried his best to be understanding of mine but, I still felt alien-like.
The holiday apparently sparked the memory in his head of what went wrong and I got the text to remind me too. Oh joy! He reminded me that the not going to church and being "faithless" was essentially a deal breaker but other than that, I have great qualities. Then he ended with, "You're a great person." I haven't responded. I don't want to go down this nostalgic road. I am perfectly aware of what our differences, were and what went wrong (he became emotionally unavailable. Surprise, surprise. That's my M O apparently).
In his defense, he was always really good about being honest and talking out feelings with me. We both appreciated that about the other and that is probably why our breakup was so easy...and so hard. So, I'm not mad at him for telling me what he thinks because I know he trusts me. My only quarrel is that on EASTER my religious views are being slapped in my face and made to sound as if it was the ONLY reason we broke up. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be with him again, it's just not a great feeling to be reminded you weren't good enough for someone.
Lastly, a small thought popped into my head, "Did he mean that as a twisted compliment? That he expects all agnostic people to be bad people with terrible qualities?" I stopped myself. I have now thought WAY too much about this. He's a great guy but now, more than ever, I am glad that we are JUST friends.
*whew*
Monday, April 9, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
"...I Kicked A Fuck Ton Of Puppies!"
Dear Body,
We once got long SO well, what the hell happened this year?!?
I've never seen multiple doctors so many times in the span of 2.5 months. Ever!
My poor housemates/roommates have been so great to me through it all but, even they think it's crazy the amount of shit going wrong with me. My roommate even asked me, "what did you do in a past life to have all this happen to you?" I asked my other housemate that question through the wall and she responded in a cute voice, "You kicked puppies!" Now, let's make this clear, I have NEVER literally or physically kicked a puppy or dog... Or ANY animal for that matter. Kicking puppies is one of the worst things ever, hence; my housemates response.
This may sound looney but I have been trying to build good karma for myself lately. For example, saving a snail from imminent death and returning a lost kitten to it's owner. Even with all these good things, karma is still taking a shit on me. My allergies are killing me, I got a cold sore (probably from all the stress) and I slipped up the other day and had something that had soy in it. By the way, Body, I'm really sorry about that. I know you hate soy. Anyways, with all of this combined, I texted my housemate and said, "Admit it, I kicked a fuck ton on puppies in my past life! Worst. Luck. Ever." She didn't admit it. She's too kind for that.
I'm trying to be an optimist and get some good juju. Heck! I am even taking vitamins. Aren't vitamins meant to help and make my body happy?! Why aren't you happy Body?! We need to have a "come to Jesus talk" and work this out before I really lose it.
Concerned,
Lo
We once got long SO well, what the hell happened this year?!?
I've never seen multiple doctors so many times in the span of 2.5 months. Ever!
My poor housemates/roommates have been so great to me through it all but, even they think it's crazy the amount of shit going wrong with me. My roommate even asked me, "what did you do in a past life to have all this happen to you?" I asked my other housemate that question through the wall and she responded in a cute voice, "You kicked puppies!" Now, let's make this clear, I have NEVER literally or physically kicked a puppy or dog... Or ANY animal for that matter. Kicking puppies is one of the worst things ever, hence; my housemates response.
This may sound looney but I have been trying to build good karma for myself lately. For example, saving a snail from imminent death and returning a lost kitten to it's owner. Even with all these good things, karma is still taking a shit on me. My allergies are killing me, I got a cold sore (probably from all the stress) and I slipped up the other day and had something that had soy in it. By the way, Body, I'm really sorry about that. I know you hate soy. Anyways, with all of this combined, I texted my housemate and said, "Admit it, I kicked a fuck ton on puppies in my past life! Worst. Luck. Ever." She didn't admit it. She's too kind for that.
I'm trying to be an optimist and get some good juju. Heck! I am even taking vitamins. Aren't vitamins meant to help and make my body happy?! Why aren't you happy Body?! We need to have a "come to Jesus talk" and work this out before I really lose it.
Concerned,
Lo
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Undomestic Goddess
* I don't like cooking every day and I'm only really good at making one thing, salmon.
*If I don't have a washer and dryer in my house, my laundry piles up.
*Grocery stores give me anxiety when I am looking for specific things.
Example: self rising flour.
I am ok with grocery stores when it's bathroom or kitchen supplies but, with all the different kinds of foods, it can stress me the frick out!
*I am a fan of organized mess and I don't really get too pissy if my house is a little messy (it looks lived in!)
*If I could never do another dish for the rest of my life, I'd be the happiest girl alive.
Okay, so not all of these things are things that most domestic goddess enjoy doing either but the point is, she'd wake up in the morning and do it. I, on the other hand, would choose to sleep rather than do it. Don't get me wrong, I'd do it...when it got to a certain point.
50's house wives are rolling over in their graves right now. Speaking of house wives, when I'm in a relationship, I am SO much better about all this. I am less lazy. For instance, I will cook more. Sure, it won't a 4 course meal and I can't guarantee it will taste good but, I would enjoy doing it for that person. Also, when I lived with my ex, I'd do his laundry for him. Wait. Honestly, it was more like I would take out his clothes and put them in the dryer for him while he was at work. Anyways!! My apologies to the 50's homemakers. They are in the major leagues and I'm still in novice. I tip my hat to the women that have the domestic drive that I lack.
Thinking about all this makes me wonder if I am just setting myself up for failure in my future? That is unless the stars align and I find a man that likes to cook and go shopping. Would it be too much to hope to find someone that can tolerate and find humor in my inability to do domestic things. Am I reaching for the moon?
Thank goodness I live in the 21st century!
*If I don't have a washer and dryer in my house, my laundry piles up.
*Grocery stores give me anxiety when I am looking for specific things.
Example: self rising flour.
I am ok with grocery stores when it's bathroom or kitchen supplies but, with all the different kinds of foods, it can stress me the frick out!
*I am a fan of organized mess and I don't really get too pissy if my house is a little messy (it looks lived in!)
*If I could never do another dish for the rest of my life, I'd be the happiest girl alive.
Okay, so not all of these things are things that most domestic goddess enjoy doing either but the point is, she'd wake up in the morning and do it. I, on the other hand, would choose to sleep rather than do it. Don't get me wrong, I'd do it...when it got to a certain point.
50's house wives are rolling over in their graves right now. Speaking of house wives, when I'm in a relationship, I am SO much better about all this. I am less lazy. For instance, I will cook more. Sure, it won't a 4 course meal and I can't guarantee it will taste good but, I would enjoy doing it for that person. Also, when I lived with my ex, I'd do his laundry for him. Wait. Honestly, it was more like I would take out his clothes and put them in the dryer for him while he was at work. Anyways!! My apologies to the 50's homemakers. They are in the major leagues and I'm still in novice. I tip my hat to the women that have the domestic drive that I lack.
Thinking about all this makes me wonder if I am just setting myself up for failure in my future? That is unless the stars align and I find a man that likes to cook and go shopping. Would it be too much to hope to find someone that can tolerate and find humor in my inability to do domestic things. Am I reaching for the moon?
Thank goodness I live in the 21st century!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Mt. Shredded Miniwheat.
My best friend Sarah. I talk about her constantly so, what is there to be said about her that I haven't already said? The answer is: SO MUCH. There are infinite synonyms I could use to say how much I love that girl but don't worry, I won't now. Instead, i will shine a dim, pretty, light on why we are so connected.
A life for a life:
We saved each others lives. My life may have been saved on a bathroom floor, but I'd like to think it really happened when she gave me inspiration to really live; to be the best me. Her life may have been saved over a bottle of ginger ale I brought her, however, I'd like to think it was from my constant prodding to know her, in darkness and light. The truth is we save each others lives everyday. We do this because we share a twisted, morbid and selfish fear; being without the other.
One look at Sarah's boots and piercing stare, you'd think she was anything but fragile. The beauty in knowing someone really well is that you see things that only few get to. For instance, I've always looked at her and seen a fragility, a fragility that I feel the need to protect. My friend has been through enough and she deserves all the good in the world. If anyone or anything threatens that, I will be there to take it for her or deflect it. I wouldn't want it any other way. It makes me so proud to say that she has gained such a healthy voice for herself that I, now, don't feel that she needs my protection. I couldnt be happier to relinquish It too, However, if a tear is ever shed behind that stare, I will do what any best friend would do: protect her with hugs and love... And a verbal beat down to whomever is responsible for making her feel bad.
Sarah once had a dream that she was climbing through a mini wheat. We talked about the dream then came to the conclusion that we'd have to be in separate bowls. She drinks soy and I can only drink 2% milk. It's funny how the imaginary idea of being separated bothered us. Sarah said to me, I will swim in your bowl with you.
A true friend will swim with you in your bowl of 2% milk Miniwheats because her bowl will have soy milk, and soy will kill you. This dream sums up our friendship. It's the little sacrifices we make, only to us it isn't a sacrifice, that truly bond us together. To us it's simply caring, and loving someone more than you love yourself.
A life for a life:
We saved each others lives. My life may have been saved on a bathroom floor, but I'd like to think it really happened when she gave me inspiration to really live; to be the best me. Her life may have been saved over a bottle of ginger ale I brought her, however, I'd like to think it was from my constant prodding to know her, in darkness and light. The truth is we save each others lives everyday. We do this because we share a twisted, morbid and selfish fear; being without the other.
One look at Sarah's boots and piercing stare, you'd think she was anything but fragile. The beauty in knowing someone really well is that you see things that only few get to. For instance, I've always looked at her and seen a fragility, a fragility that I feel the need to protect. My friend has been through enough and she deserves all the good in the world. If anyone or anything threatens that, I will be there to take it for her or deflect it. I wouldn't want it any other way. It makes me so proud to say that she has gained such a healthy voice for herself that I, now, don't feel that she needs my protection. I couldnt be happier to relinquish It too, However, if a tear is ever shed behind that stare, I will do what any best friend would do: protect her with hugs and love... And a verbal beat down to whomever is responsible for making her feel bad.
Sarah once had a dream that she was climbing through a mini wheat. We talked about the dream then came to the conclusion that we'd have to be in separate bowls. She drinks soy and I can only drink 2% milk. It's funny how the imaginary idea of being separated bothered us. Sarah said to me, I will swim in your bowl with you.
A true friend will swim with you in your bowl of 2% milk Miniwheats because her bowl will have soy milk, and soy will kill you. This dream sums up our friendship. It's the little sacrifices we make, only to us it isn't a sacrifice, that truly bond us together. To us it's simply caring, and loving someone more than you love yourself.
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